I had a terrifying and violent dream last night that has shaken me to the core. I dreamt that I was in my childhood home, but I was an adult, married to Mike. My little sister was with me, but she was a child and she was scared. She said she had heard children laughing outside. I looked out the front door and saw two children. I went outside to see what the commotion was about when a strikingly thin security guard advanced on me with preternatural speed. He screeched at me with a haunting voice, “I’m so hungry!!” He grabbed my by the arms and I panicked. I knew he wanted to kill me. I tried to keep my cool by saying, “That’s okay, why don’t you come into the house? We’ll get you something to eat.” I thought that Mike could stop this man from killing me, but I instantly regretted it because I realized that he was a vampire. I had just invited the vampire into my house.
And then I woke up, gasping for air in fear.
Instantly, the dream crystalized in my brain. The Thin Security Guard was my eating disorder, waiting and loitering outside my home, trying to get back in. It’s comforting to know that he has become so very thin in the last year and a half, but he is still just as strong and powerful as he was when he was bloated and stuffed. And yes, my eating disorder is a vampire, sucking every drop of life out of my existence. And like a vampire, he can only hurt me if I invite him in or venture outside of the safety of my recovery.
And speaking of safety, it is no coincidence that the Thin Man is dressed as a security guard, because that is what he offers me, fake security. I may feel slightly better when I binge, but it’s an illusion and it only lasts as long as the food does.
I now have a terrifying personification of my disease. He has a booming voice and a threatening presence that I never imagined before. It was a horrifying nightmare and one I will never forget.
Original image via: Hitman Wiki – Court Security Guard