Diet Pill Dilemna

By Laura Moncur @ 5:00 am — Filed under:

I found this video on YouTube the other day. This unnamed girl has an online journal. She’s talking to the webcam on the top of her monitor about her day. She is trying to decide whether to take the diet pills, stay up all night and try to burn off the food she ate today.

“I wish there was a magic cure that would make me happy with who I am.”

She talks about wanting to be a photographer, but after looking at the pictures she took, she feels like the pictures were unacceptable. She doubts her photography abilities and it affects her body image.

“So, I’m doubting my ability… I feel fat. I AM fat… I’m ugly. I have no talent…”

How many times have I said this to myself? Because of these feelings, she contemplates taking diet pills. She’s frustrated.

“They don’t do anything. I don’t know why I keep taking them. And then I feel worse because I’m taking them and I don’t lose weight. Then I go bingeing, then I starve myself for a bit, and then I binge again, and then I take diet pills. It just goes ’round and ’round in a circle, and I just want to break out of the circle, and just be better… be happier…”

“Surely it would be better to be thin and not happy than fat and not happy.”

“I just wish that I could do something to make myself feel better. Normally, that thing is taking photos and editing photos, but I can’t even do that…”

In the end, we never find out whether she took the pills or not.

“So, do I take diet pills? Do I not take diet pills? Pros and cons… our choice…”

I just feel like reaching my arms out to her and giving her a huge hug. I want to tell her that it’s okay to feel like crap and that it passes. We all doubt our abilities. We all face the idea that we have no talent, but if we keep on working, we feel better. We still feel like fat and talentless hacks, but our talents grow despite our emotions.

Next time you’re feeling like indulging in destructive behavior, whether it’s taking diet pills, bingeing, starving yourself or purging, remember this girl from Leicester.


3 Responses to “Diet Pill Dilemna”

  1. www.iportion.com Says:

    It’s better to be happy with yourself then thin for the sake of being thin. When I lost weight the first time I was shocked that I wasn’t happy being thin didn’t make my probs go away. Life is to short not to enjoy it. I want to eat real food. Healthyer food than before but real. I want to be real not some paper doll that can hide away.

  2. Britt Says:

    Woah. That poor girl. It made me hurt to see someone (with such an awesomely cute british accent!) like her having those sort of internal conflicts.

    I really respect her for posting that video like that. I don’t think I could vocalize my food issues for the whole world to listen and judge. That’s gotta take guts. I wish I had done that before I had a eurhythmia for my poor choices in regards to caffine pills, and b/p.

    I hope she’s doing better. Thanks for posting this. Actually, thanks for posting all of your blogs. They are fascinating and articulate. A nice change from the usual internet spam.


  3. anonymous Says:

    I sympathize for this girl so much. I used to be incredibly unhappy with myself. I starved myself for about a month, and then my mum found out and she momitored everything i ate for a while. Then, she finally trusted me again and i had half a mind to continue to starve myself…but then i realized, starving myself only made me scary to look at. My boyfriend dumped me when i was skinny, because he said “I cant handle your fuckin problems.” SO, i decided not to. because i was sort of happy, on good days. and even though i lost my skinnyness, and was fat again, it felt better in a way. so, my advice would be, dont take the diet pills. please, dont.

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